Vejazzled

by | Oct 6, 2017

It has been a while. I have been suffering from publisher’s inertia.  Have a few blogs written but just can’t bring myself to push the button. Strange but true.  It has also been a while since I commuted up to London on the bike.  I put the latter right on Wednesday and events that occurred on the ride have prompted me to address the former. What are these events you might ask?  I was vejazzled a significant number of times on the way in.

Vejazzling

For those who have not been subjected to “The Only Way is Essex” by their equivalent Mrs Unhingeds, the art of Vejazzling is to adorn the pubic area (of a woman) with crystals, glitter, or other decoration.  As illustrated below by the PG Tips Chimp.

Vejazzled

Vejazzled

 

Further definition can (always) be found in trusty Wikipedia:

A vajazzle (also spelled vagazzle) is a form of genital decoration, formed by the application of crystal ornaments on the shaved pubic area of a woman. The process is known as vajazzling, a portmanteau of “vagina” and “bedazzle”.

Aside from the excellent use of the word “portmanteau”, wikipedia gives an insightful clue as to how the Unhinged Cyclist could possible have been vejazzled on the way to work whilst going about his lycra wearing business.  That’s right, you can see where I am heading with this I am sure.  If I could be so bold as to use my own portmanteau, I can tell you that was, in fact, CUDAZZLED.  Yep, I was dazzled by a bunch of See You Next Tuesdays who were sitting safely behind their respective wheels.

 

Why do they do it?

I don’t get this.  Lets look at a few scenarios:

  1. A motorist happens upon a cyclist who is elegantly sweeping along in the other direction with a fair degree of panache in the dark.  What does he/she do?  More often than not, it would appear, that they leave the full beams on.  Do they believe that we always wear fucking sunglasses?
  2. A motorist happens upon a cyclist who is elegantly sweeping along in the other direction with a fair degree of panache in the dark.  Then a 2nd motorist comes up the road behind the cyclist travelling in the same direction. Motorist number 1, then sees the car coming so dips the beams. Wonderful.
  3. A motorist comes up behind the cyclist travelling in the same direction as the cyclist and there is no traffic coming in the other direction.  What does he/she do?  They dip the fucking beams. Why?  Do they believe that we have a rear view mirror on this occasion.
  4. This one is even better. The Cowboy has a very powerful front light on his winter steed.  So powerful that, at a distance, he can be mistaken for a motorbike.  What happens in this scenario?  Yep, they dip the lights.  But wait, it gets better.  Once the distance is closed and they realise that it is in fact a cyclist, the full beams go straight back on again.  I find this quite funny.  The Cowboy does not.

 

Conclusions

  1. There are a lot of  CU next Tuesdays out there.
  2. I have not out been riding enough
  3. I have not been blogging enough

 

I can change points 2 and 3.  With regards to the first point, I can only work on them one C.NUT at a time… how do I do this?  By doing a one handed “Birdy Song” to inform them of their error as they pass…

Roll Safe. Roll Bright. And wear Sunglasses at Night.

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