A Cycling Wardrobe Edit

by | Jan 17, 2017

I recently learned about an astonishing service that is available to buy out there.  It is called a Wardrobe Edit. Fresh from selling new clothes to the mythological Emperor, this service is sold to innocent individuals by a malicious and conniving trickster known as the stylist.

The perfect wardrobe?

The perfect wardrobe?

 

So, what is a Wardrobe Edit?

This is the good bit.  The Stylist (lets call her Rosemary for the sake of argument) comes round to your house for half a day to conduct your wardrobe edit. Half a day is 4 hours in this scenario.  By the end of the 4 hour period (including travelling time) you will be left with a lighter, decluttered wardrobe. Brilliant!

How does Rosemary do this?  What tools does she use? What magic does she bring? Does she have a cleverly designed piece of equipment that sits inside said wardrobe to make it ‘lighter’ and ‘decluttered’?

Nope.  None of this.  So how does Rosemary achieve this nirvana of orderliness?

Rosemary throws away two thirds of your clothes!

Yes, the tools of her trade are large black bin liners. Astonishing!  You can even do a diploma in Wardrobe editing.  Where do I sign up?

Let’s hear directly from a Rosemary about her wardrobe editing service:

Wardrobe Edit. A half day is usually sufficient to edit most small to medium sized wardrobes. You will end up with an organised wardrobe and have a much greater understanding of what to find (and avoid!) in future.

“A half day is usually sufficient”.. Good Lord Rosemary, are you suggesting that it may take you more than 4 hours to stuff two thirds of a large wardrobe into bin liners? Mind boggling!

And I know that you are all dying to know the answer to this one.  What does Rosemary charge for this fabulous service?  £60 per hour.  Yes you read that correctly – Sixty British Pounds!  Unbelievable!

So Rosemary pops over for 4 hours, stuffs some clothes in the bin bags, takes £240 of your hard earned and then pisses off!  Rosemary is a genius. Truly.  But it gets better… it does not stop there…  Rosemary has some other services:

Style up your Wardrobe. I can help you put together lots of stylish outfits for every aspect of your life. I will create a photographic gallery on your phone/tablet of you and your outfits.  Getting dressed in the morning will no longer be a stressful experience and you will be able to make the most of all your wardrobe, not just 20% of it!

So to distract you from the fact that she is charging your £240, and to pad out the ‘edit’ which would otherwise take about 10 minutes, Rosemary takes some photos of you on your phone/tablet in combinations of your existing clothes that she has decided NOT to throw away on your behalf.

And then of course, there is a further offering. Rosemary has liberated you from the majority of clothes to create a ‘ lighter, decluttered wardrobe’ and what does she do next?

Personal Shopping.

Thats right, she helps you fill it back up again.  (For £60/hour).  Genius again.  Presumably these new clothes will also require editing in the future so Rosemary is addressing the only potential flaw in this amazing business model by guaranteeing that she will get repeat business.  Rosemary is a Business Guru.

A final word from our Rosemary:

Your first session with me will include a complimentary colour, shape and style consultation. 

Oh, well that makes everything all right then. Where do I sign up?  Rosemary is basically going to tell you why 66.7% of the clothes that you have purchased using your own judgement are the wrong colour, shape or style for you so you don’t feel so bad when she hoofs them into the bin.  I don’t want to be Brain Toone anymore, I want to be Rosemary.

And do you know what the best part of this scam is?

Rosemary’s clients love her for it.  Truly.  They are genuinely left with a feeling of happiness after their 4 hours are up.  There is a noticeable spring in their step and they can’t wait to tell others about this revelation.  Now, the purpose of this post is not to attack these clients. After all, the Unhinged Cyclist is not averse to purchasing a bit of short term happiness.  Why knock it?

Even the Telegraph is talking about it:

Are you feeling suffocated by the sheer volume of clothes that wallow in your wardrobe? James Wallman, author of ‘Stuffocation: Living More With Less’, shares his tips for successfully decluttering your bulging closet as the New Year begins

Stuffocation. What a brilliant word.

 

The Cycling Wardrobe Edit

So all of this has got me thinkin’. Surely this concept can be applied to one’s cycling wardrobe.  A certain Rapha wearing friend of mine once told me that if he wore each item of his cycling attire once before moving on to the next piece, it would take him 6 months of riding to get through his collection. And he rides about 4 times per week. (Let’s call him Chris for the sake of argument).  Is Chris feeling ‘Stuffocated’? Would he benefit from a lighter, decluttered wardrobe?  Certainly. (Actually, Chris is probably not a typical example as he tends to travel to the Alps with his cycling attire stowed on hangers in a suit carrier but that is another story!)

I reckon I could quite easily offer the services of a Rosemary.  Thinking further about it:

  • I already own a number of black bin liners so have the tools of the trade
  • I would be very happy to come round to your house and throw away two thirds of your cycling attire (I mean, who hasn’t got too many varieties of shoe cover?)
  • It would be a bit weird but there is no reason that I could not take few photo’s of you on your phone/tablet in combinations that work. It could be fun..
  • Of course, the first session will include a complimentary colour, shape and style consultation.
  • And I would be extremely happy to charge you £60/hour (including travelling time) for the privilege

 

I also have something in my favour here.  A secret that will make my job even easier than that of a regular Rosemary.  As a cyclist, and particularly an Unhinged one, you do not need all that much in the way of civilian clothes.  You should either be riding your bike, recovering from riding your bike, spending time with family or doing that inconvenient thing that gets in the way of all of the above called work!  None of these things require an extensive collection of civilian clobber.

I was having lunch with someone this week (let’s call him Richard) who has just returned to work after being on gardening leave for about a year. For the cyclist, gardening leave equates to a lot of time in the saddle. Suffice to say that none of Richard’s civilian clothes don’t fit him anymore.  Therefore he now owns a shed-load of lycra, 2 newly purchased suits, some shirts plus the odd pair of jeans.  A perfectly balanced wardrobe.

An Edited Wardrobe

An Edited Wardrobe?

 

I am sure you all agree that I am more than capable of offering this service.  So if you would like to have your wardrobe edited (for £60/hour), please email me at rosemary@unhingedwardobeediting.com (Note – this is not a real email address).

In the meantime, thanks for reading and check out the local Strava GC competition that we are running on the Unhinged Cycling Strava Club.

 

POST SCRIPT: A Wardrobe Edit is not to be confused with a Wardrobe Malfunction. Very different things.  I experienced a malfunction leading to 2017 Unhinged Ride #2 this week.  With my bike at work in London and needing to be ridden back to Kent, I opened my bag to find that I had everything I needed in the bar a pair of bib-shorts. Disaster. My options were as follows:

  1. Spend circa £90 at Evans on some shorts that I really do not need
  2. Get the train home and don’t do the ride
  3. Complete the ride as planned in my underpants

 

Option 2 was not an option as I had already eaten my London – Hildenborough sized bowl of afternoon porridge.

Option 1 was clearly viable but, even though I am not averse to wasting a bit of money, i was reluctant as I have better things to waste my money on..

So.. I chose to ride for almost 2 hours in my pants. At one point the temperature reached – 4.1 degrees.  Now, I admit that these pants are not normal pants. They are Endura Mesh Boxer shorts. So, yes, they do have a bit of a pad in them and they are designed with riding a bicycle in mind albeit underneath another garment.  They were moderately comfortable as long as I stayed dead still in the saddle and avoided all blemishes in the road.  The main problem can be found in their name. They are made of mesh – i.e. they have a load of holes in them,  Somewhat less than ideal given the temperature and quite Unhinged.

Would i have ridden in a pair of regular Sports Direct Londsdale Boxers?  It depends if Evans was open or not….

Featured image courtesy of the excellent Muxu ride apparel which, funnily enough, is designed to be worn over such an underpant.

 

 

6 Comments

  1. Christian

    Sitting in a queue at Apple store, waiting to have my laptop fixed…and pissing myself laughing.

    Indeed, Rosemary is a genius. Perhaps she could franchise her business into some of the world’s most exciting developing markets….I’m sure the demand for a service such as Rosemary’s would be enormous in places such as Bangladesh and Somalia.

    Reply
    • Rob Stephenson

      A first world service indeed. Let us imagine that the black bin liners find their way from Rosemary to the people in need. Highly doubtful…

      Reply
  2. Fud

    I was struck by the post script reference to pants. I wouldn’t consider a ride without a trusty pair of under ‘knickers’; this causes considerable amusement on the SDW club run. What are the unhinged views on knickers… many other sports use them, cyclists seem to prefer commando and a drop of cream/lube?

    Reply
    • Rob Stephenson

      Fud, I need more information here. Are you actually suggested that you wear a pair of pants under your bib shorts? If this is the case then I quit and hand over the mantle of the Unhinged Cyclist to you. I need to know exactly what your set up is down there!

      Reply
      • Fud

        Absolutely! A decent pair of bloomers worn under the bib shorts. Keeping everything in place, adding a little extra comfort, preventing chaffing without need for that ‘cyclist cream’. Its good for many other sports, I can only assume I’m ahead of the peloton on this one?! #bloomers #thefuture

        Reply
        • Rob Stephenson

          I truly cannot believe this. Astonishing! I may just have to make it over to a club run to see this first hand. An underpant check if you will.

          The reality would be an increase in the chafing one would have thought. However, it is truly Unhinged. Are they ladies underwear by the way? I truly hope so!

          Reply

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Hi, I’m the Unhinged Cyclist. That’s me in the pointy helmet with my trusty mower..

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